Just another day

It’s been awhile since I updated this blog and emptied my thoughts here. Life has kept me busy.

The ordeal we went through in February was awful. And really unbelievable. I can remember listening to Larry talk about Jarretts sister and see the sadness and hurt in his face. He told me he knew he needed to change his will in case anything happened. He showed me text messages from her own mother recounting things she did to them when she was younger. I can only imagine how he feels now, looking at how things have unfolded. How his death couldn’t bring his family together. Everyone wants to say that death brings out the worst in people but I don’t think that’s true. Some people use anything they can to justify their selfish actions. I think at this point, I can handle anything, it’s my children that have been tested and put through hell. Not only did they loose their grandfather during Thanksgiving dinner and then someone set our garage on fire that night and then a week later, two days after we bury Larry, they were driven to the hospital by the school staff because of Alexxs wreck and he dies and we say good bye to him. And then when we thought things couldn’t get worse, Jarretts sister shuts off the power, WITHOUT NOTICE, we throw things into storage and find a new place to move and the kids have to say good bye to their friends and we move. And I start back to work. All within three months. My children ARE angry and confused. The amount of times I have heard them ask me why a family member would do this to us?Is someone going to come set our house on fire? It is heartbreaking. It feels unfair.

But we are doing the best we can do. What else can we do?

If I have learned anything it’s that some things are just out of our control. Some things don’t matter and aren’t worth our time and energy.

I truly deeply feel sorry for Jarretts sister. She clearly lacks the love she needs to be a better person. If she was capable of kicking us out of the home we lived in for over 2 years with the two family members who just died without ANY regard how it would effect my other children, her niece named after her, all because we didn’t want to buy the home and her profit over $30K, than there isn’t anything I could ever say or do to effect her. She can create lies to justify her actions to deal with her guilt. It doesn’t matter to me or my family.

Me & Jarrett were with Larry when he said his good byes and told us he loved us. Six days later we were holding Alexxs hand as his body slowly died and his heart stopped beating. There isn’t anything in this world that will ever be more terrifying, heartbreaking and sad. There was nothing either of us could do. And something like shutting off power or spreading some lies about us is nothing but a slight annoyance.

Life is precious. It is fragile. And it is what you make of it.

Now that we have moved closer to restaurants and things to do, we have gotten out more. I only wish we had done that more. Everything we do, we think about Alexx and Larry and how they would’ve enjoyed it and wished we did more together.

Over the summer we hesitated to go to the beach. We really didn’t have the money but decided what the hell and did it. And we had a great time. I played monopoly til the wee hours with the boys. We pulled the bed out in the living room and all bundled up to watch movies. We watched the sunset. Looked for shells and enjoyed the water and fresh air.

I will never ever put off family time. As tired as I am some days, I know that these moments we are given are special. As crazy as these kids drive me, being loud and unreasonable, I know that one day they may not be here to drive me crazy and/or they will grow up.

Alexx will always be 17. He should be 18. He should’ve spent the weekend at State for Bulldog weekend. He should be here to drive him and Barron to McLaurin for the rest of the school year. He should be getting ready for Prom. Picking his hilarious quote for the yearbook. Asking me for subs for his vehicle. And telling me everyday that he’s 18 & can do whatever he wants.

But he’s not. It makes me sad. So sad for those who knew him. For those who were used to him. For his brothers and sisters. As I’m driving, I think about him constantly. I try not and think about that day and all that happened. It’s hard. I try and look at the places we went together. The houses he might have bought and lived in one day with his family. The qualities he and I share that make me me. Whether I got it from him or if he got it from me. I feel closer to him now more than ever.

Let go of what you cannot control. It is not worth it. Let go of worrying about what others do. The left or right. People you don’t like. People who have hurt you. I promise you it is not worth it. I wish I had more good conversations with Larry & Alexx. More road trips or out enjoying life. More time to laugh and not just share worries and sad times with.

I still have to tell myself that I cannot believe we are where we are… how did all this happen? How did I make it through all that and sit here and get up and go to work, kiss my kids and high five my husband.

I couldn’t have done it alone. That is for sure. My husband and kids and job and friends. I have started to go back to church. Began a bible study. Trying to heal. Forgive. Find comfort.

Alexx & Larry are reminders to me that we ALL will die some day. We all have one life and we should live it in a way that is positive and healthy. Appreciating the things and people in our life that make it a good one.