Survival.

Almost eight years later and I am still looking backwards, trying to turn back time so I can change the future… But it never happens. Looking at his pictures, I can remember the feelings of when Alexx was alive on this earth. If only escaping the present to be with him was reciprocal, and he was there. But no… Alexx will always only, be in my memories. No longer my oldest son, but my first-born son… the son I lost.

Two brothers have passed him in age and, hopefully, Bobby and Stella will as well.

During the rest of the year, further away from November 29, it’s easier to remind myself of how grateful I am for the 17 years and 9 months I had with him. I can focus on my new life – because 8 years still feels new – without him, with a genuine partner who listens and supports me, even knowing my heart is and will always be broken and never fully capable of operating again. I can love my children hard and try and enjoy every moment of their lives. It’s so much easier to be “strong” by focusing on everything else… I keep my mind busy and distract myself from thinking about November 29.

But every year, things slow down and this time of year creeps up. I flip the page of my calendar and the date stares back at me. Memories and feelings slowly remind me of what I have been running from all year. The million thoughts I have that kept me from dwelling in the depths of my despair have hibernated and left me vulnerable, giving a megaphone to the beast that lives in me that knows every painful word to say, every deep-down insecurity about myself, that day, and who I am. I start to question everything and become consumed by my grief and shame once again.

I am weak…

I scramble on how I can win over that date, that feeling… But I can’t. I don’t think I will ever win. This is the pattern every year.

But I will survive. I have to… for him, my children, and myself. I will take the beatings that happen in my mind. I will keep my head above the surface, appearing to be fine and in control.

And when it gets too heavy, I can look back at pictures like these… reminders that love IS still here, even when he isn’t.