Window

As I sit here and look out the window, admiring the sun and people, I see a family ride by on bikes. A couple of kids and a mom & dad. Shortly after another family walks by with a dog. I had that life once. With my first husband. Before all the debts of life, the disappointments and let downs that have happened over the years. How was I supposed to know at 23 that I was lucky. But life goes on. Wars and resentment and people change. I was too young to know how to appreciate the simple life. To be a wife and married. I wanted to find happiness somewhere else. I wanted another life. I don’t have any regrets with the decision to divorce him, I’m thankful that he was my first husband and my boys father. It wasn’t an awful marriage or life. It just didn’t make me feel complete or challenged.

Being a single mom to 3 boys, working or in school and raising three wild and crazy boys made for an interesting several years. My late 20s, falling in and out of love. Learning how to be a mother. It was a busy time. I don’t know what I was looking for but it was something.

I didn’t find it with my second husband. But me & the boys experienced paradise in Hawaii. We also welcomed Bobby into this crazy mess. In order to get back on my feet my boys went to live with their dad, husband #1. I thought husband #2 was going to mentally break me. So many mind games and lies. Words that he loved me and actions that told me not to trust him. But I did land back on my feet. I did get my boys back and then I thought I found love again.

Love is a funny thing. I thought I knew what love was. I know I love my children. I know there isn’t anything in this world they could do or say to me that would ever make me never want to see them again. Me & the boys went through some difficult times and my love never changed and I never questioned it. It hurt but even that pain didn’t make me question my love.

Why is loving a partner so different? Do wedding vows really mean anything? Why did I agree to them? Why is love so conditional with a spouse? Words & actions can change everything. I thought I knew how to love. To love someone meant setting what makes me happy aside bc taking care of them would in turn have them take care of me. I thought being there for someone meant when I needed them they would be there for me. But I have yet to be loved the way I have loved. I feel foolish. Embarrassed. Angry. Hurt. Betrayed. That I once again loved someone who isn’t capable of loving me.

Losing Alexx will always be the most extreme loss I have felt. I feel it daily. I am reminded when I am sad and when I am happy that Alexx isn’t around. And if it’s someone else making me feel sad, I tell myself it’s just on the surface and that pain will heal. I have survived the worst pain & loss and heartbreak anyone can suffer. I will survive the loss of another marriage. I have to because I don’t have a choice. Life goes on. It is moving on.