1 year… then

One year ago, I woke up to get my kids on the bus. I wish I could say it was a day like any other day, but it was two days after we buried my father in law. Six days after my father in law died suddenly and after someone deliberately set fire to our garage that same night. On Thanksgiving.

This particular morning, I got Bobby & Barron on the bus and walked out back and marveled at how beautiful the sunrise was. And I took this picture. I walked inside and Alexx was standing at the fridge drinking OJ or milk from the container. I walked by him. Touched him on the back and told him to have a good day and that I loved him.

That would be the last time I saw him alive.

I can still recall all of the events that followed that day. To my husband going to the grocery store. To the phone call. To driving to the scene and the cop telling me it was just a mess and I needed to get to the hospital. I had Stella Jo in the car with me as I made frantic calls. I had a terribly scared feeling things weren’t going to be okay. Alexxs friends and his coach and principal and counselor had all called before I made it to the hospital. Luckily with the help of a friend who met me on 20 I was able to follow her and meet Jarrett. He parked the car as I ran into the ER. I was immediately taken to room. I passed the room where several people were working on Alexx.

So many people showed up to the hospital. The school even brought Bobby & Barron. Everyone was there for him. Praying.

We then went upstairs to wait while Alexx was in surgery. So many kids were there. They took him to surgery to check for internal injuries. They had a tube in his throat prior and had to stabilize him. I was told he suffered a large wound on his head.

After the surgery they took me & my husband into another room. They said he had no internal injuries. Most of his bones were broken and he had no brain activity. His injuries were not survivable. Not survivable. I sob as I recall that moment. There was no hope left. They had given him blood and medication to keep him alive for us to say goodbye.

I walked out of that room. The kids looking at me. I don’t know who it was but someone came up to me and my knees buckled and I cried. Some things are a blur. It may have been Jarretts grandmother who lost her son 6 days prior. But I was being led to say good bye to Alexx. We still had to find Barron to tell him.

Getting to the room where the doctors were keeping Alexxs body alive was the finality of it all. Barron was brought in and we had to tell him Alexx wasn’t going to make it. He didn’t seem to understand at first. And when he did, he broke down. He sobbed and cried so hard. He hugged Alexxs body and told him how much he loved him. He hugged me and cried his heart out. We called Elijah and Elijah said his goodbyes to Alexx over the phone. Elijah has just gone home the day before, the day after Larry’s funeral. And now he was saying goodbye to Alexx.

We sat in there for what seemed hours. I held his hand. Rubbed his feet. I laid my head on his chest, closed my eyes and listened to his heart beat. I made calls to family and close friends. I cried a sound that I never have heard before. The sound of my heart breaking. The doctors said because he was a healthy 17 year old that was the only reason his heart was still beating. At one point the doctors came in to give him more blood and more medication to keep him alive. I asked to donate his organs, as Alexx had selected to be an organ donor. But they said he had too much medication in his body to do so. We finally made the decision that we needed to let him go. His body was merely a shell. HE was gone. It took a bit longer for his body to slowly let go. His vitals dropped and eventually his heart stopped beating. His time of death was 10:41.

We were told he didn’t suffer and he had been unconscious immediately and had no idea what had happened. He was never in any pain.

What haunts my memories is the photo a child took of Alexx immediately after the accident. Of him laying on the ground, bleeding from the head. I was also told his pants were cut off by the paramedics and he was exposed to all who stood there watching. No one deserves to die with others gawking and taking pictures of death. No one ever apologized to us about the picture. Kids shared it and the school took actions.

The community embraced us. The kids put up a cross for him.

They also painted his parking spot. And no one parks there now.

The school retired his football jersey and had it framed for me and his football picture.

Someone even created this box and kids put notes in there for Alexx at his service.

The service was nice. Over 300 people were there. His teachers & coaches spoke about him. We played Dust in the Wind by Kansas & Smile by Nat King Cole. The football players wore jerseys.

The school brought over so much food to our house. Several kids came over in those first days & weeks to be there for us, for Barron and to feel closer to Alexx.

I never sent thank you cards. I could never sit and focus and do it. I have tried to thank everyone for being there for our family. So many people on my Facebook sent me messages or texts and I read each one. And I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart because those first days & weeks were the worst and I have no idea how I made it… obviously with the support of the community.

Nov 29, 2017 will always be the worst day of my life.