1 Year…now

Our family is not okay. A year has gone by in a blink of an eye. It still feels like Nov 30, 2017 every day.

I miss Alexx every second. It’s hard to escape the dark thoughts sometimes surrounding his death. But I don’t want to remember him that way.

Tomorrow is always a new day. Some days are just easier than others to distract from my sorrow and sadness.

We had to move. I’m in a house that has no memory of Alexx. No smell of him. No connection. The kids go to a school now that don’t know Alexx or our family. We’ve had to start over without Alexx. Which I think is the cruelest thing that someone purposely did to our family.

This grief doesn’t end. Our old lives died that day. Our family unit died that day. We aren’t the same family. And I hope that we can figure out how to be a family again.

And yes, I am angry. I am sad. I am heartbroken. And there is no words or pills that can fix it.

“Focus on the time you had”

“Live for him because he can’t”

“Give the love you had for him to others”

It is so much easier said than done.

This grief journey – the new normal – has been a struggle. I don’t know how someone can say there are stages because I bounce back and forth.

I wonder if I will ever feel okay again. And if I can without feeling guilty. I know I need to for my other children. And for myself. I do know it is what Alexx would want. He wouldn’t want to be the cause of my life falling apart. I hope I am able to help others at some point. I just need to figure out how to help myself first without destroying my family and myself.

I still take it day by day. One foot in front of the other. The future is so uncertain. I can only live for today.

That is the reality to my grief. It may look like I’m strong but I don’t feel it. I haven’t been able to truly accept Alexxs death and the death of the old me. It just doesn’t feel like it. Even though his ashes are in our house. I don’t know how to ever let him go.

It will come in time. It has to. We have finally decided to find professionals that can help with this. This is a journey. It is still just beginning for us. I still need closure surrounding Alexxs death. I may never get it. Alexx is gone and nothing can change that. 😔 Hopefully with help and family & friends we will get through this. Pray for us. Send good thoughts into the universe for us. Love your peoples and don’t forget that no one is promised tomorrow.

One year down. 😔 I have survived in one piece.