I’m sorry

I wanted to tell you I was sorry.

I’m sorry for not being a better mother.

I’m sorry for not taking you to Disney World when you were little or ever.

I’m sorry for all those spankings, timeouts, and punishments. It probably wasn’t always you but you were the one of the three that got caught.

I’m sorry I didn’t sign you up for football when you were little.

I’m sorry I was young and selfish and thought a man would make me happy when I had you boys all along. I could not have been more wrong in the places I was looking for love and validation.

I’m sorry I didn’t do more homework with you, cook more meals and spend more time with just you instead of chasing all your siblings. I will always wish we had more time.

People say I cannot look backwards and have all these regrets but I wanted to tell you this one day. To tell you that even though I may not have said it, YOU gave me strength when I didn’t know I had it. You are a profound person and huge impact for the better in my life. Even though I was 19 when I had you, and I have told you this before when you asked, you were NEVER a mistake. Mistakes are things done that you wish you could redo or undo. I would never change you. Then or now. You came into my life when I needed you. You are what defined the meaning of love for me and will always be my first love. You made me a mother. Your love for me got me to where I am today. I love you so much.

I wanted to tell you all this and more one day… and I never will. I will keep these thoughts with me…and on here and hope it is true that now you do know the truth of it all. And know all this already.

If I close my eyes and silence the universe, I can see that smile on your face looking at me. I can hear your words say “it’s okay, mom. I know you love me most and I love you. Those spankings didn’t hurt anyways.”

I miss you with every breath I take, Alexx. I love you.