Perspective

Another day lost in my own thoughts. Staring at Alexxs pictures remember the moment the picture was taken. Thinking that I have been so calm all this time and there is going to come a time I am going to realize that I will never see Alexx again. There is no way I have come to that point.

Today has been a cycle… I woke up depressed. Depressed that I spent too much time with the younger kids and not enough with Alexx. By lunch I reminded myself of all the times I went to his senior events, helped with football and senior events. Told myself I didn’t have the time to be anything other than mom. Then I blamed my ex and the divorce and having to send Alexx to Barrons and the time we lost… I threw myself several pity parties in my head for all that we missed out on and what we will miss out on.

But… Alexx never complained. Maybe big Barron is thankful he had that time with Alexx. Maybe the time he had in Alabama was special in a way I will never know. Alexx never complained. We did get to live in Hawaii together for almost 2 years. He did grow up having a man he called dad & then had Jarrett and Larry the last couple years of his life who showed him lots of love. I did my best as a mother, with what I knew.

It is so hard to not beat myself up over the mistakes and what could’ve been done better… or where did I go wrong and what could I have done to change things… I don’t understand. I guess I never will understand why things happen.

😞