9 months…

9 months… is all it takes to create a life. However it’s not long enough to heal a broken and shattered heart. Still not enough time from that moment to forget for just one second of the day what was taken from me and this world. It still hangs over my head & heart in everything… and it’s everywhere. “Park. Drive. Park. Drive.” That is what I was told Alexx said as he laid there on the ground following the car wreck. I don’t know if it’s true or not but those words echo in my mind every day I get in my car and put it in drive or park. I wonder why was he thinking or saying that. And if he was able to say those words did he understand what had happened. I wonder if he was scared or felt pain.

He isn’t in pain now. He’s not suffering. He’s not laying in a hospital bed bleeding from the face and head. It’s all over for him.

It’s all over.

Yet, the actions that day that caused his death aren’t over for me. I feel pain and sorrow and am reminded every second what I lost that day. What my family lost. And Alexxs friends lost. And especially Alexx. He lost it all.

His case is still open. It gives me hope that the full details surrounding the car wreck will come to light. And that justice will be served. Only then can I feel hope. So many terrible people seemed to get away with causing so much pain and grief upon people.

The only thing I know to do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and not give up on trying to be a good person. I feel if I were to get drawn in to the drama of people and let it bring me down to their level, it would be a dishonor to Alexx. I loved that boy and young man with everything I had and to the best I could… I must also share that with his brothers and sister. Alexx taught me so much about love & who I am thru all of our experiences together. I had him at age 19, and it’s been hard to learn how to live without him and what to do without him.

I sincerely appreciate the people in real life and on social media who have been so kind and supportive of us during this time. I know if Alexx could see how those who knew him were looking after us he would be grateful beyond words. And I truly am.

I think of writing on here quite often but some days are dark and then some days I’m able to have a more positive viewpoint on life and it’s ups and downs. But at least one thing I’ve learned so far is that tomorrow is a new day and a chance to have a better day than before.