Death

I am reminded constantly of death and loss. It is like when you get a new car and then everywhere you look, you see the same car. There have been so many news stories lately about car wrecks with fatalities and shootings. Was it always this bad or am I just now noticing? Maybe I was in a bubble previously.

The Grammys may have been mostly about politics and sexual assault but I also felt emotional and sadness in several performances. When Tears In Heaven was performed, I looked over at my husband to find strength to not lose it. I held it together for the most part, but for some reason, Google Photos, at that moment, during that performance, alerted me to a new album made. Alexx: Life in Review. I showed my husband the alert. How random. I looked at a few pics and closed it. I can’t find that album now…

Trump’s SOTU speech last night…I’ll keep my politics out of this, but the guest he had… The victim’s parents… To see other parents faces reflect how I feel, wow, it was moving. It did make me tear up to see such pain because I share in their grief.

I am constantly reminded that I am not alone in this. There are others who feel this sadness. Others continue to breathe and go on living. They put one foot in front of the other surviving the loss of someone.

I wish I could not fear death. It isn’t a painful death I fear. I fear not being here to give love to my loved ones. I fear them caring a burden of sadness. Although, I carry such deep hurt and anger over Alexx’s death, it is my goal to accept, forgive and continue on with love. In time, of course.

This grief process is just like our bipolar MS weather. Some days are easier than others. Some days I feel close to Alexx and others I feel disconnected, those days are the worse. Some days it hurts to breathe and others I want to save the world in hopes of no one ever experiencing what we have gone through. Some days I hear Alexx telling me to be strong and he loves me… other days I can only focus on the past and what went wrong.

Life isn’t fair. There are things out of our control. They just are. We need to just breathe. Stop. And let things play out and hope or pray for the best.